Max is NOW!

why i am dropping out.

i have talked a lot of shit the past few years. every other week i talk about dropping out of school. i talk about the meaninglessness of my education as part of the institution, and i swear up and down that i dont need it.
well, god provides.
my anxiety has worsened to the level where i cannot attend classes anymore really. on tuesday i had the worst attack i have ever had. it began when i sat down to an exam and could not write more than two sentences. my brain refused to move, it refused to go. this doesnt happen to me. never happens to me. i was the victim, not the victor. over the past years i have had my bouts with anxiety, winning more than losing. i would take pseudo-breaks to relax enough to muscle another couple of months of high-stress and institutionalized hoop-jumping. but it has finally caught me by the toe. i have faked it off too much, and both my mind and body are sick and tired. my attack on tuesday was horrifying. simply horrifying. i couldnt even cry, i just went into shock. and this signals me that i have to take a real break, and it might be more than a break.
i love philosophy. i love my classes, i love my professors, i love my friends and comrades. i have a lot of love for what happens at my university, but i cannot enter the walls. because inside there is the instrument that methodological rips my psyche to pieces…..the institution, the academia. exams, papers, write-ups, journals, whatever you want to call them….they destroy me piece by little piece.
i understand the authors, i understand the philosophers, i understand the words; but it is torture for me to cram that into few, simple, stupid words….it is torture to write better about something in a shorter and less articulate way than the piece itself is written….it is madness…..it is lunacy….it is the university.
and i cannot continue. at least not for now.
even after saying this, my heart feels lighter. but not better.
i will miss every part, even the torture. i will miss the smiles and the laughter and the times. i will miss being a part of a group of people who feel like they have created truth and meaning, like they have truly lived if only for a few moments inside those dingy walls. but most of all, i will miss myself when i am around them. i will miss the max that cares deeply for them all. i will miss it all. so very much.