Max is NOW!

And then you realize you are the square peg you were always meant to be.

My nephews used to play with this box toy when they were very young, maybe six months old. It was a hollow box that had various geometric holes in it and came with a number of shapes, like a cylinder, a tube, etc. I always thought it was an odd game for such an age, but perhaps it helps them develop motor skills and shape recognition…useful things for most of us. What was odd about their hollow shape box was that the square hole had broken once, and in an effort to fix it my brother overcompensated a bit and made it too small. So basically everything was fine, but the square peg never fit so it was always left by the wayside.
This is where my evening begins….by the wayside, or I guess I should say this is where my evening ends.

My parents talk about love like its a disease. I guess this isn’t uncommon. The words people spew about such a notion are so ambiguous and complex and misleading. They say you know when you meet someone, some say you get this feeling, this tingle, this tickle, this turning in your soul. I always wondered if you get the same feeling when you understand that you don’t fit. Do you tingle when you realize that you are the square peg, with no place left to go? I’m going to fast, to far, to soon.
When does one realize he is the square peg, but not just that, but that he is the square peg he was always meant to be?

I looked into the mirror for the millionth time. But it was like the first time. I saw myself looking at myself, and I realized who I was. I wasnt cast as the star of this play, not the supporting actor, not even the comic relief. I am an extra. I was put here to be filler, debris, packaging for the real shining stars. Background music. Bland, backdrop. Dark shadow of shining lights. I am the square peg. But not only that….I am the square peg I was always meant to be. I can feel it. I can feel the warmth in my soul when I look at myself for real for the first time.
And all at once I am laughing and crying. Both with such intensity. He doesn’t fit into any other places. He tried to change his look many times, it always looked the same. He took up a hip field, design, and found that stature and reputation were little. He became an artist to find that it mattered little to most. He walked along the intelligent only to find that intellect stopped at the doorway to life. He struggled and fought for a place, he scanned the room at every bar and club and gathering and party and scene……but his eyes never met another eye….his lips dangled dry in the humid room..
he is the extra, cast for filler, signifying space.
i am the extra, cast for filler, signifying space.
i looked across the room, still a little drunk, and realized that it saddened me more than anything. not because of their dishonesty, but because of their honesty. I am too slow. I don’t look all that appealing. I lack the skills to charm and woo. I lack the taste to order the right drinks at the right time. But standing next to me was the instantiation of everything they wanted….and he hated them more than me. but they loved him for it….
i was cast for filler, signifying empty space.
i cannot create, i cannot enchant, i cannot win. there is no game i can play.
i am lost in the crowd, i am empty and spread.

and then i realize……