Max is NOW!

Dear Donald,
Nothing can really capture my sadness at this moment. To hear of your resignation on such a dark day like today is the sour icing on the rotten democratic cake.
Who will death monger with such joy?
Who will solve complex arguments about conflicting values with phrases like “Nuke ‘em” and “Fuck ‘em” and “Shut up” with your potency?
What, oh, what will this country do without you; A man who raided the Middle East with the passion and drive of Taylor at a teeny-bopper slumber party.

But, alas, dear Donny, I understand your need to tuck tail and run. Those blood thirsty democrats (or player-haters as I like to call them) are going to turn the House in to a damn homosexual feel-goodery. I will do my damndest as an American, nah, as a Bush-ist to fight their pleas and bitching and moaning that drown out the cries of our enemies and thier depraved infant children.

You will be missed, my friend and hero. Just know that America will forever be indebted to you. When our children’s children are still fighting this war, we will remember you and the great power you implemented in regularly mocking news reporters and the general public.

In the very words of the liberal, gay-loving Jake Gyllenhal, “I can’t quit you.”

This day will forever be remembered as the day a hero ran away from intellectual dissent. From now on November the 8th will be dubbed, “Donny RunAway Day.” Thank you good sir, thank you.