Max is NOW!

It was not my intention to make this entry, but I feel this incredible weight on my person. I am tired I think. A tired dreamer. A tired Tristan. A tired Quixuote.

Not tired of dreaming itself, just tired of having dreamed. Exhausted from living in the wake of my own aspiration.

“I want to be a saint.” I heard this recently on this IFC film a few of us were watching. It wasn’t for a few days until that really hit me. I’ve been trying to be a saint all this time. In my extreme selfishness I put others well being above my own. I say this is extreme selfishness, because it msot truly is. When I am asked, “Max, what do I do here?” I think poorly of what benefits me. Most of the time I recommend against it to spare myself the joy of shallow selfishness. Instead, I take stance against me. I try to manipulate the situation to most degrade and disbenefit myself.

Why? I’m not sure. Perhaps I want to be Christ. Perhaps its just the reminants of my previous life in his fold. Any way I put it to words, I’m doing something bad. I’m manipulating situations, although not for my benefit, I am manipulating them opposed to my benefit.

It’s relevant to my writings of late, but how?

Well, to be frank, I set myself aside and then wallow in my own self-inflicted suffering. It’s like pouting. Pouting about something I did. And there is nothing worse than someone who whines about thier self-inflicted misfortune.

This cannot be, it cannot continue. I will imbue myself with patience and self-interest. Of course, not to the sickening levels of some, just enough to know when to stand and when to sit.

It relates to my point, you know. Rather well actually. <i>Es muss sein.</i> Figure it out for yourself, and I will continue my thoughts.