Max is NOW!

it is in the apex of this darkness, under the stillness of the moon. i find myself looking at myself, wondering where it all turned into this. reality has swallowed us whole, the bones and flesh and every piece in between…every gritty inch of human want. and every slippery centimeter of human greatness.

here i am. in a bar. sitting with two friends in the silence surrounded by laughter and bantering and yelling and hooting. here i am. in a bar. thinking to myself this is the most ridiculous of all possible paths, to find myself here as myself in myself being someone else.

i remember being loud and obnoxious and hilarious and sound. i remember having hope and dreaming and wondering when the day would come next. but now i look into the distance at a monster. a monster i am becomming. a monster who devours hope and dreams and life. a monster with my face and my clothes and my voice. a man who has become so consumed that he has forgotten how to be a man. this is me, looking at myself, from a distance that has closed too fast.

i am the monster i see…but not in the distance, he is in this presence.

i am the disease of my own desires. i am the killer of my self.

loniliness is a word rarely meant, but a word widely spoken. lonliness is not living in the presence of nothingness with a state of sanity, it is living in the fullness within a state of madness. i am madness as well. i am a monster, and madness, and sickness. i am the narcisist, caught in the self-reflection of hate.

///—

the walls are breaking quicker, the roof is caving in. when will my heart learn to live as a man, and snuff out its desire to thrive? when will the gods of old come to smite my every whim?

///—

but i am drunk, and tired. tired of living. tired of playing. tired of being. tired of losing myself in the moments. but especially, and most of all, tired of being me.