Max is NOW!

My dear movie and music industry,

I felt like we needed to straighten out some “kinks” that have been binding up our relationship recently. I know you say you’re “losing” money to online copyright infringement (torrents, illegal streaming video, p2p), but it’s just not true. You can’t lose money that doesn’t exist. Did I say I was “losing” money when wiki(Borat) released and all of my slavic characters I do stopped being funny? No. Why? Well, because no one was going to ever pay me to hear them. And the same goes for online copyright infringement. People don’t download videos and music because they want to pay for it, but find the allure of searching and downloading for hours fun. They don’t buy your stuff, because well, it really sucks recently. I mean even the Church of Scientology shows their crappy productions for free, however you wanted us to pay to see wiki(Oceans 13). C’mon. That’s why I think I have a resolution that doesn’t require you arresting anymore of these young radicals who are providing your poor content for nothing. How about you make something good for a change? It works, trust me. I bought the new Radiohead album, and it’s like one of a dozen albums I will actually buy this year. You know why? Because it doesn’t suck. That’s right, and you know how hard the Radiohead album is to find for free download? Pretty damn hard. It’s because people want to give money to things they like, but not to things they don’t.

So, let’s make a deal. You come out with some quality films and music. Maybe stop with the remakes and the sequels. How about a new Charlie Kaufman film and an album from someone like MF Doom, and I will go out and buy them. Then, once we both know we can trust each other again, we’ll do it more and more. You keep making things we want to watch and listen to, and we will actually BUY them. It sounds like a favorable deal for everyone. So good luck and I’ll look for something in the papers.

Much love,

Max

p.s. If you release Ocean’s 14, any remakes, or some kind of Borat squel, all bets are off.